10 life lessons about baggage to unpack from Don Quixote: the good, the twisted, and the ugly
Could unexplained chronic pain in your body be rooted in toxic delusional thoughts and perceptions that were deeply programmed and now trapped in your mind?
Just like Quixote, we have a right to our own thoughts and beliefs. A right to reach beyond the dark childhood you are meant to leave behind. Step forth valiantly and courageously choosing this day who you were meant to be. Healed and whole.
It is impossible to time travel back to my sophomore year of high school without remembering English Lit and having to read Don Quixote as an assignment. Like every other book we had to read, I scrambled to snag one of those bright yellow shortcut pamphlets with bold black lettering on the front. Who had time to read hundreds of pages and maintain the social life of a 15-year-old? I can still recall (like it was yesterday) sitting in the back of the class with my nose wedged in the middle of those cliff notes, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. I can even remember going to the live Broadway musical a couple of years later and leaving completely mesmerized. I was moved, inspired, and completely swept up by his tenacity, his willfulness, and his desire to live unapologetically as an unsung hero.
If you have read Don Quixote or watched the many movies made over the past century, you would agree that to know him is to love him. Why are we drawn to Don Quixote? It was written by Cervantes in the early 1600s.1 How can we relate to a Spanish novel that is more than 4 centuries old? That time period had no cars, no cell phones, not even a light bulb. It was obvious he was nothing short of bat nut crazy in the ways he attempted to be just in his pursuit of being a chivalrous knight. But who can criticize the man for fighting everyone and anyone who he believed to be a horrible person? One would say he was a true romantic in the way he set out to pursue the love of his life, right? While we will take a deep dive into the struggle of person vs self and the impact emotional abuse and neglect has on our mind and the health of our body, it is interesting to see the theme Cervantes unveils regarding domination and control relating to person vs society and how it affects us long term.
Abusive control has consequences that create false perceptions that taint our imagination.
There are always two sides of a coin. Let’s start with the not so good side. Not a one would argue that Don Quixote was nothing short of a madman, and that he had an imagination that was wild and unchartered. At the end of the story, on his deathbed, even he admitted that he had a few loose screws, and would have benefitted from living with less chaos. All throughout the novel, he constructed a reality based on perceptions that he tightly held onto with white knuckles. His vivid imaginations often had dire consequences involving his own physical destruction and repeated public ridicule. Let’s go back and see what may have triggered this outlandish imagination. Cervantes, the author, acknowledges how the government’s attempt to control people who did not “fall in line” was a miserable failure. First, the Spanish Inquisition was the government in Spain at the time, and demanded their rules to be followed, or else you were going to be burned. Alive. They imagined controlling society with tight rigid rules along with barbaric consequences if not strictly adhered to. Most of us would agree that bullying, threatening someone’s life, and demanding they lose their whole sense of self, “or else”, is not the best way for leadership to gain the honor, love, obedience, and respect they want to maintain a civil society. Good point, Cervantes. Abusive over-controlling people create a toxic atmosphere that can lead us to take drastic measures to desperately hold onto our sense of self. Second, Don Quixote’s crazy desire to become a knight at any cost came from reading a truckload of books on chivalry. He literally trapped himself in his own mind because he allowed these books to change his perspective on how to be an honorable man. These books made him “feel” inadequate, unless his behavior could prove his character to be a valiant and heroic knight. His friends cared about him, but in their attempt to control him and change his crazy antics, ended up burning all his books on chivalry, hoping that would end his madness. It didn’t. Emotionally abusive people can damage our identity creating false beliefs of who we are. Third, Don Quixote, written in 1605 was the first anti-race novel of all time. Cervantes himself was a slave. It would not be until 1863 that Abe Lincoln wrote the Emancipation Proclamation during the Civil War freeing all slaves. In the novel, during one of his adventures, Don Quixote frees a bunch of slaves. At that time in Spain, if you were convicted of petty crime, the criminal justice system made you a slave to labor that would soon result in death. They would force you to row oars on galley ships that went out to war. They made the slaves sit on the outside of the boat in large numbers to provide the manpower needed to move these huge ships. When war was fought out at sea, the slaves forced to row the galley ships were most definitely an easy target for the enemy. Slavery was a toxic dynamic between people and the same dynamic is seen when toxic emotionally abusive people attempt to manipulate and control those they feel are lesser than them.
Toxic relationships create a life of chaos including a dysregulated nervous system that can create chronic pain.
Today, leadership roles in society still attempt to control us in ways that may cause some of us to revolt and do whatever it takes to remain an individual. Sometimes we are so busy striving to remain independent and in full control of our lives, that we can’t see how we are destroying ourselves in the process. Did you grow up in an environment like the Spanish Inquisition? Your parents said their way or the highway? Maybe you are living in one now with a domineering spouse, significant other, or boss who controls or criticizes every inhale you make and every step you take. Do you feel inadequate or less than because of how someone has made you “feel” during your life? All these examples are like what Cervantes was noticing and writing about. If what you are told, or what your environment made you believe is toxic, your mind is going to perceive and make sense out of life with toxicity. As a society we need to realize the consequences of living in a toxic relationship at home or in the workplace. Whether being a child or a grown up, we are setting ourselves up for a life of sickness and physical pain in our future. Just look at Don Quixote, after all attempts to fix him failed leaving him battered, bruised, and humiliated, the story ends with him catching a fever that cost him his life. Toxic relationships create an overload of chemicals in our body and mind, like a slow dripping faucet over a period of time. This slow drip of poison destroys our immune system in the long run and sets up a pattern of dysregulation to our nervous system. One research study officially calls childhood trauma, adulthood anxiety, and long-term pain “The Unholy Trinity” and links this toxic environment in childhood as a predictor to chronic illness and chronic pain in adulthood.2 Like Don Quixote sings in his song The Impossible Dream, I can’t help but see how his quest for justice, and peace in life as likened to reaching for the unreachable star.
“To right the unrightable wrong”
“To fight the unbeatable foe”
“To fight for the right”
“…if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest… my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest”
Abusive people can’t destroy our imagination, only attempt to suppress and beat it down.
He saw the world a better place accomplishing his quest, and imagined leading the rest of us centuries later into that impossible dream. Abusive family and over-controlling leadership both have the power to crush our ability to imagine, create, and dream like we did as children (intentional or not). Our imagination can be suppressed, beaten down, but not destroyed. His quest can inspire us to yearn for peace after growing up in a toxic household, peace after being in an abusive relationship, peace after living through hell, and getting the wind knocked right out of us. He sure had the courage. So do you. You CAN transform your perceptions (false limiting beliefs), your reality (twisted identity of self), and overcome by reshaping your wounded imaginations by awakening your creative, courageous, curious younger inside self. Let’s together unpack more life lessons from Don Quixote’s baggage and see ourselves with new eyes and hear our truth with new ears. The dream to live free from the poison of abuse and injustice is possible.
Emotional abuse is a poison that twists our identity inward against ourselves.
It is well known that after trauma, one’s sense of self (interoception) is skewed. Why? Well, the human nervous system is now hard wired to protect itself, but in a frantic frenzy. Even those things, people, situations that are non-threatening may be perceived by you as threatening, causing you the need to protect yourself in bizarre attempts. We couldn’t protect ourselves during the trauma, so deep down we are driven to overcompensate for what we couldn’t do earlier. What trauma did Don Quixote endure? Not sure, because at the time he was an older man. Maybe he was traumatized by the injustices he heard about. Listen, Joan of Arc, in 1430 was right next door in France when she was burned alive at the stake. Can you imagine listening to this as a bedtime story in candlelight while watching the wax drip down the candle back then as a kid? Maybe his parents were emotionally abusive telling him he was dumb, had no potential, and was a disgrace to the family, leading him to be re-traumatized when he read those chivalry books, believing the only way to redeem himself as a man was to become a knight? Maybe it was neglect in his childhood that spoke volumes to him that he is not worthy of love, that he was not good enough for attention that drove him to go to such outlandish attempts to try and win the affection of a tattered struggling kitchen wench, as though she was a princess? Her name was Aldonza, but he sang to her as the beautiful Dulcinea. How many times do we feel we only deserve to be with people that are not beneficial to our highest self, and yet talk ourselves into thinking it is OK, even necessary? That is a twisted attempt to protect ourselves from healthy nourishing relationships. Instead of accepting people as they are, we feel the need to create a false representation of who they are. Somehow making people out to be better than they are, makes us feel less “unworthy” about who we are. Twisted, I know. Have you ever done that? In a way it is an attempt to sacrifice yourself… that’s how low emotional verbal abuse can make us feel inside. It is a poison that turns us inward against ourselves.
Emotional abuse and neglect create a false identity of being damaged goods, allowing shame and overcompensating behaviors to mask our feelings of inadequacy.
Although it was a noble endeavor to set out and become a knight, he could’ve been perfectly OK just being himself, living in his own skin. He didn’t have to wear the mask, and all the armor. His compulsive drive to become a knight came from a deep-rooted feeling that being himself was inadequate. Stripped down he inherently felt that somehow there was something wrong with his true self. Do you feel the need to try and be someone you aren’t? Do you feel that to be amongst people, you need to pull out the mask and put on the armor? Do you feel compelled to prove yourself, like Don Quixote, to let others know you are validated somehow with speaking highly of yourself or telling others of your achievements? Your wounded self from previous trauma can be healed and your true self can revel in being transparent with healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self. Now let’s look at what we can glean as positive from Don Quixote’s twisted identity.
Don Quixote was often quoted as saying, “I know who I am”, and then valiantly running off and getting stuck doing another crazy heroic feat. He would hold his sword high above his head and march about singing triumphantly, “I’m Don Quixote, the Man of La Mancha!” But you have to hand it to him. Even though he was laughed at behind his back by his onlookers, he wholeheartedly believed in who he was, and his quest in life to be dubbed a knight and have Dulcinea as his lover. He believed in who he was, not in the madman people said he was. He lived, breathed, and even humbly accepted defeat because he stood unwaveringly in who he was. His actions proved it. He didn’t let the words of others try to tear him down or discourage him from his quest. He got knocked down, beat up, yelled at, and judged… but he got right back up. To him, his truth was chivalry and knighthood was worth any consequence, while the negative chatter of the village people against him was simply a lie. Ibsen’s famous couplet from Brand mirrors the heart of Don Quixote well.
“Whoever you are, be with all your heart
Not piece by piece nor part by part.”
Believe in who YOU say you are, not the manipulating lies of your abuser.
Understanding your nervous system and consoling the part of you that has been wounded is the first step towards becoming the loving adult self that you were created to be. Overcompensating attempts to protect yourself may be why you get defensive when someone communicates in a loving way what they need from you. It is not a personal attack on you, that was your abuser’s intention, not everyone’s. Get motivated towards having a deep-rooted sense of self that is firmly grounded and is the heartbeat from which all you actions spring forth. Give yourself permission to acknowledge it the next time it happens, and you find yourself overcompensating to protect yourself. It will be coupled with anxiety, tension, and disconnection. Start there. Place your hand on your heart and really become present with yourself in that minute.
Be honest with your true self and ask, “Am I living consistent with my beliefs, my values, and what I feel to be me?”
Separate who you are, your truth from their lie. Their lie being words spoken over you were chosen by your abusers, or actions spoken by their emotional neglect withholding the affection and nurturing you needed. Your nervous system doesn’t understand time. Their lie may have been a seed that was planted decades ago. It doesn’t matter. To your body and mind, it was just yesterday. Remembering how your emotional abuse felt like as a child, will be the same feelings you feel when you are triggered today by people in your life. Seek out your justice with passion and discipline that is found within you, your true sense of self. Follow the direction your true identity is guiding you, not the lies others attempted to demand you to believe about your identity. That leads us to a few more lessons to unpack from Don Quixote’s baggage, his false beliefs that made him believe lies, that were NOT his true reality.
False beliefs cause you to see problems where they don’t exist, and where problems do exist you create a false representation of their existence.
OK, let’s just put these cards on the table. Don Quixote looked at inns, believing they were castles. He looked at windmills, believing they were giants and proceeded to attack them causing him and his horse to get thrown up and knocked on their head. He looked at herds of sheep as huge threatening armies. False beliefs cause you to see problems where they don’t exist, and where problems do exist you create a false representation of their existence. We hear this and feel sorry for the guy. I charge you take that compassion for him and console YOURSELF in this moment. Close your eyes and think for a second about any false (limiting) beliefs you may have about yourself. If you grew up in an environment or are in one now that makes you feel the need to constrain yourself, suppress your light, make yourself smaller in the presence of others you probably are believing a lie about yourself. This inner twist is an ugly toxic energy that creates a poison in your tissues, your muscles, and your organs.3 A lie is something that is NOT TRUE.
Beliefs steer the entire direction of your life, and the entire flow of your nervous system.
Let go of the familiar.
Beliefs pull you towards or away from your true self.
Your truth is a buoy that when held tightly with both hands, can pull you towards your freedom.
Beliefs about yourself (whether based on truth or a lie) are likened to a rudder on a boat. Beliefs steer the entire direction of your life, and the entire flow of your nervous system. They pull you towards or away from your true self. Grab the lifebuoy of your truth, the loving, vibrant, compassionate self that you are. The lies don’t destroy your true self, they just cover them up so both you and the world only experience a dimmed shadow of your true self. Grabbing that lifebuoy will pull you towards your freedom. Feel the water against your skin as you are pulled away from the familiar. Feel yourself float above as the filtered lies sink below. The deceptions, and the manipulations you have been programmed and hardwired to believe about yourself, the world, and the environment are washed away by the water of forgiveness and redemption. Intergenerational hurts passed down from generation to generation, or abusive loved ones just battered and beat down by life themselves are not worth harboring resentment, anger, and bitterness over. It is just another form of toxic poison your soul doesn’t deserve.
“…make sure no one misses the revelation of God’s grace…make sure no one lives with a root of bitterness sprouting within them which will only cause trouble and poison the hearts of many.”
—Hebrews 12:15 TPT
Another false belief Don Quixote possessed was the compulsion to save everyone around him. It might sound like such a sweet romantic gesture how he looked at Aldonza, this poor tattered kitchen wench as this royal princess Dulcinea. It would be a true romance if Dulcinea was given the name Aldonza when held captive in this kitchen to serve all the rowdy crass village men. That is, IF Dulcinea was her identity and her truth was royal DNA pulsing through her veins. See, the thing was that Aldonza was very happy being who she really was. She accepted it and her reality was based on her truth. I always am left to wonder what happened to her self-image and identity after Don Quixote passed away. Who was she to believe she was now? Did she now have an inner struggle where she didn’t before? Could she run away from the kitchen declaring a royal bloodline to whomever would believe her? Gosh the tragedy that could create. Unfortunately, there was never a sequel to Don Quixote, so we will never know.
Are you going to choose to ignore the truth when it comes face to face with you like Don Quixote did? He had many occasions where the truth looked him square in the eye, and he chose to ignore it. Denial created in your mind on a continual basis exerts a toxic energy produced and released in your body called tension. Take a deep breath, look at what happened to you in the past or present with honest eyes. If that is too heavy, look at Don Quixote’s story and take note of how he denied his truth. It cost him dearly. To him, it was well worth it. Is it worth it to you? Give yourself permission to remove the candy coating you have placed on your past. It is OK to accept what family or people of respectable position did unjustly towards you. It is freeing to accept “what is”. It has no negative bearing on you, or who you are. Accepting the truth gives you permission to stand with your shoulders back, free from blame, shame, and naming everything yours or someone else’s fault. Freedom to embrace who and what you truly are. Blameless. Shameless.
Remove your mask, doff your armor, but hold your sword high and sing no holds bar,
“I’m (your name) the man/woman of (declare the space you have authority)!”
by you, your resilient loving adult self.
Repeat it over and over and sing loud so the neighbors can hear you! After marching around your house, come back and write down these 3 questions to ask yourself the next time you feel triggered by anxiety, stress, tension, defensiveness, etc. If you can uncover the strategy you use to create tension and physical pain, you can learn how to uncover a strategy to create relaxed muscles and peace within.
Shine light on the dark patterns of inner torment that created your dysfunctional pain and dysregulation of your nervous system.
Remove yourself from the triggering atmosphere.
Go to a quiet space where you can be alone to connect with yourself.
Below there are 3 questions to ask to self-connect and shift your nervous system.
Ask yourself these 3 questions when triggered and feel anxiety, stress, tension, or defensiveness:
What kind of person is your true self? Ask and listen for your intuition to tell you.
What kind of situation am I in? With curiosity look around you and see if you notice any lie, deception, manipulation, or familiar dysfunction similar to your past. Look with eyes seeking truth.
What would my loving adult-self feel like doing in a situation such as this? Close your eyes, take a deep breath and visualize yourself embodying the truth about the situation (not your perceived reality based on false beliefs). Wait for a minute and you will feel the direction in which to respond, and not usual reaction to the situation at hand.
Be curious where your false (limiting) beliefs are and with courage see and hear the actions and patterns you were meant to engage in. This is an ability that can be cultivated each day by finding the beauty around you and within you.
SEE, HEAR, and FEEL your surroundings with new eyes, ears, and sensors.
Pay attention to the details.
Below are 3 ways that integrate new neural pathways by teaching your nervous system to trust what it is discerning, beginning with your surroundings. Practice daily.
3 things to focus on when outside:
Find one thing to hear. Really listen. Can you hear a bird sing, a cricket chirp, a frog croak, the wind howl, or car horn beep?
Find one thing to see. Really notice. Can you see a bird in a tree, the shape of the moon, the sun peeking through the trees, the flower that just bloomed this morning?
Find one thing to feel. Really experience. Take a minute and feel the warmth of the sun on your face, the cold wind on your back, the touch of a furry or crunchy leaf on your fingertips, the sand or grass between your toes. What does it feel like to you?
Doing these 3 things daily create the skill set to allow you to learn to connect with your true self, by learning to trust what you are sensing around you. There is no rushing, or speeding your way through connection. Take the time to listen, truly listen. Notice, truly notice. Feel, truly experience.
It is time to take back what is yours, and nurture yourself with compassion and care to experience what you failed to receive as a child or young person.
If you seek, you will find. Healing is yours to be had. No more is your place in life to be back in the shadows, with your light dimmed and held back. It is time to take back what is yours, and nurture yourself with compassion and care to experience what you failed to receive as a child or young person. Dignity, safety, and the right to grow and develop into who you truly are and were created to be is yours for the taking. Embrace your beauty and imagination. Hold it for the first time. Cultivate your true identity, nurture that feeling. Embody the truth about who you are. Possess it fully. It’s always been there.
Let’s be the generation who embarks on inner transformation with courage, passion, determination, and discipline to right the unrightable wrongs, to conquer the unbeatable foe, and win the right to stand in our own skin transparent and grounded unapologetic. Let it be said 4 centuries from now there were a select few of us who were brave courageous survivors, the crème de la crème of the 21st century, covered with scars and scorned, yet thrived fully alive and overcame the impossible dream.
Let it be said that we rode into the sunset and landed on the unreachable star, healed, healthy, and whole.
1)de Cervantes, M. (1992). Don Quixote (P. A. Motteaux, Trans.). Wordsworth Editions.
2)Kascakova, N., Furstova, J., Hasto, J., Madarasova Geckova, A., & Tavel, P. (2020). The Unholy Trinity: Childhood Trauma, Adulthood Anxiety, and Long-Term Pain. International journal of environmental research and public health, 17(2), 414. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph170204
3)Franke H. A. (2014). Toxic Stress: Effects, Prevention and Treatment. Children (Basel, Switzerland), 1(3), 390–402. https://doi.org/10.3390/children1030390
